In Martial Arts Movies Why Do Some People Have Black Patches on Their Heads
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At that place are few feelings I enjoy as much every bit watching a picture show that shakes me out of my complacency, wakes me up from my jaded quasi-slumber and makes me go "I haven't seen that before!" I lookout man way too many films and it can take a lot to genuinely shock or surprise me, but there are few genres that manage it every bit oft as martial arts.
Now, I appreciate there's a lot of base of operations level 'weirdness' to the genre if you're not used to it. There'due south curious dubbing, an emphasis on physicality over plotting, some eastern cultural touchpoints that baffle unfamiliar western audiences… but fans get used to all that. I'm talking about something slightly unlike.
To clarify, information technology might seem strange to new viewers when they sentinel Ricky Lau's Mr. Vampire and find the vampires are hopping ghouls in jaunty hats, a far weep from the due west's Count Dracula. But that's not weird at all by eastern standards. The jiangshi (hopping vampire) dates back every bit far as the Qing Dynasty in Chinese folklore. However, things go slightly weirder when jiangshi randomly hop their way into a motion picture similar Fantasy Mission Force , an otherwise not-supernatural WWII take chances romp with Jackie Chan and Wang Yu rescuing POWS. Things go properly weird, however, in a pic like Vampire Raiders Vs Ninja Queen , and that's why the latter'due south fabricated it onto this list.
Indeed, the field of martial arts often yields a foreign harvest but I've done my best to choice out only the wonkiest veg for your viewing pleasance:
Shaolin Youth Posse (1984)
What's it near? An evil princess wants to murder a young prince who's hiding in the Shaolin Temple, so she sends in a series of fighters to try and pause their way in. Sounds like a standard kung fu plot only at that place's a twist. All the adult monks have gone away on some kind of mission, leaving the kid trainees to defend against the endless swarms of attackers.
Why is information technology weird? The cast are predominantly under-12s so it's a flake like watching a schoolhouse play, albeit an inappropriately fierce i. In the English dub, adult actors belongings their noses and talking in creepy falsetto make the children sound like nightmare dimension Disney animals. The kids fight off ninjas, elevate queen bandits, a vampire debauchee, and the ghost of a Shaolin master (who bends fourth dimension, flies around on very visible wires and turns into a skeleton). There's fifty-fifty a weird romantic subplot in which a Tarzan Girl who lives in the jungle tries to seduce one of the child monks (it doesn't piece of work and she's last seen grunting "Hmph! Men!" direct into the camera).
The ninja violence is way OTT – little kids gorily getting weapons to the face is non something y'all see every day – and the whole thing ends in a shower of exploding children and ninjas when a dynamite ex machina is brought out. It'southward awful and tasteless and would exist 50 shades of illegal to make in 2017 but it sure is weeeeird.
True Game Of Expiry (1979)
What'southward it nearly? Every bit an example of the Bruceploitation genre, Truthful Game Of Expiry attempts to imitate Game Of Death . Basically, imagine that a minor child watched Game Of Death so tried to explain the plot. Then imagine that explanation being passed down a line of other small children and possibly a talking dog until information technology was utterly incomprehensible. Play this caption backwards. You're nearly at True Game Of Decease .
Why is it weird? At that place'south probably no weirder subgenre than Bruceploitation (and I wrote about some of the best examples already) but True Game Of Decease is easily the near spectacularly terrible film to come from all that and its unabashed ineptitude makes it weird.
Bruce is played by 3 different (anonymous) actors. The director is credited every bit 'Steve' and the female lead as 'Alice'.
The motion-picture show hits peak weirdness during a sex scene betwixt 'Bruce' and 'Alice' when he suddenly gets a headache and dies in screaming desperation, while she writhes naked next to him, showing as much as possible to the photographic camera. It's an absurdly exploitative riff on Bruce'due south actual death but fabricated all the weirder by (an unlicensed) Don't Weep For Me Argentine republic blaring across the soundtrack the whole time!
The twist is that information technology's Alice who poisoned him, but don't worry. He returns from the grave, shouts "It takes more poison to kill me! I'm non dead!" as if that explains everything, so runs to a pagoda for a batty, zero-budget recreation of Game Of Death 's climax. Everyone looks like they're in cheap, ill-fitting fancy clothes. The pagoda itself is a chintzy, salmon-pinkish monstrosity and any fight choreography is just gurning and handslaps. Horrendous only unforgettably so.
Ninja Three : The Domination (1984)
What's it nigh? Chris (Lucinda Dickey, of Breakin' fame) is a telephone engineer by mean solar day and aerobics goddess past nighttime. Her world is turned upside down when a rogue ninja on the edge of death easily her his sword and, in doing this, possesses her body and soul, forcing her to take revenge on the policemen who killed him.
Why is it weird? Well, for a start, information technology's the one where dancercise, exorcism and ninjas finally come up together in ane film (yes, I know – you've waited long enough, correct?). Scenes of possessed Dickey, emerging from swathes of dry water ice with back-combed pilus, are intercut with lycra-clad trip the light fantastic toe sequences and martial arts violence as she bloodily disposes of cops.
The highlight (as well maybe the tomato juice erotica) is James Hong's cameo as a Shinto priest trying to expel the ninja's evil spirit. There'south an insane exorcism sequence in which Dickey'southward eyes plow red, her face up goes gray and her entire body spins effectually in the air while she spews mystical dust at him. Still, information technology's all a waste of fourth dimension since (equally we all know) "Only a ninja can finish some other ninja!" and so they telephone call in Sho Kosugi, who wears a Mindhorn-style eyepatch and brings the lasers. Yes, lasers. The terminal fight here is really something else.
Jade Dagger Ninja (1982)
What'due south it about? The start thing you'll notice about Jade Dagger Ninja is that there are no ninjas in information technology. In that location's as well a distinct lack of jade daggers. However, in that location is a Jade Annoy and inside this priceless heirloom is a magical elixir that grants its drinker infinite power. The plot follows an array of colourful characters, all of whom want to go their hands on the Annoy. "Where'south the mushrooms?" fans of quondam memes may ask. I tin can assure you they were all taken by the makers of this film…
Why is it weird? On paper, this looks like your usual wuxia tale just its lack of upkeep and affluence of energy makes it properly weird. There's a gang of bandits who call themselves Heartbreak Red. They specialize in ruining people's weddings. Their leader, the Heartbreak Warrior, is the main bad guy simply here to pit their wits against him are keen warriors similar The Flying Fox, The Dusk Fairy and The Four Kings.
There's some insanely overused wire-fu here with all characters zooming beyond the screen like walking was never even a matter. The effects of drinking the magical elixir, when revealed in the terminal fight, are way beyond barmy.
The maddest part of this hugely entertaining film, however, is the dubbed dialogue in the English print. It'southward, uh, enthusiastic to say the least, merely also total of zinging puns that were unlikely to have existed in the original language. When the Four Kings are browbeaten, their defeater yells, "And then You're the famous Four Kings, are you? Well, you're no 4-king good!" And you've but gotta love that.
Matching Escort (1983)
What'south information technology nearly? Pearl Cheung plays a girl with an unusual skill. Having worn heavy atomic number 26 shoes since she was a child, whenever she takes them off she's able to jump higher and run faster than everyone else. Those may not seem like peculiarly badass abilities but, when 73 (yes, 73) members of her family are slaughtered and she falls off a cliff, they come in handy for revenge. Luckily, she lands in the magical cave of 'Uncle Foreign' – an old, crippled master – who teaches her the martial arts she needs to maximise her natural leaping and running abilities.
Why is it weird? This marvellously nutty wuxia is written and directed by Cheung herself (who's ane of my favourite eastern auteurs) and it's a bit like the kung fu equivalent of walking into the Halloween alley at your local supermarket. It has a freaky flamboyant aesthetic, all cobwebs, skeletons and devil masks. The costumes and hair (mostly designed by Cheung herself) resemble what, years later, would pass for western haute couture (if you'd said it was Gaultier, I'd take believed you!).
There's a ton of splattery gore and freako villains and sped-upwardly fight scenes that brand little sense but expect astonishing. In the picture'due south highlight, Cheung duffs upwards over a dozen ninjas and wild men with axes on a embankment in a trivial nether 10 seconds using her fe feet. Arguably, some of this is the kind of madness you'd await from this kind of story but the fact that it all looks similar it'south been shot by funhouse mirror Mario Bava makes information technology weird AF.
Vampire Raiders Vs Ninja Queen (1988)
What's it about? This is a cut and paste film from Tomas Tang that splices ninjas and hopping vampires into a Taiwanese comedy almost three girls who work on a hotel switchboard, all redubbed with a 'new' conspiracy plot. The 'Majestic Ninja Empire' accept taken some 'very important documents' away from a guy named Henry ("A real bounder!") who has some vampires in his use. He wants the papers dorsum and this leads to a war between multiple ninja factions, all of whom – it transpires – are squabbling for control over the Hong Kong hotel industry!
Why is information technology weird? The cutting and pasting here is particularly foreign, specially when we get hopping vampires merrily billowy their way – via the magic of editing – into otherwise straightforward dialogue scenes. Said dialogue is pretty foreign besides. In ane scene, a girl reads aloud from a Bible and I'one thousand guessing the writer wasn't paying attention in R.E. since his grapheme intones, "And then God said to Moses 'here are some commandments, become a pen and write them down!'"
The fighting is joyfully outlandish and features multi-coloured smoke bombs and pastel ninja suits (pink, royal and orange), along with flying vampire heads and magically extending scarves. The infamous highlight, nevertheless, is Deborah Grant as the 'Bikini Ninja' who fights a vampire on the beach for no real reason. Throw in a 'comic relief' scene with vampires trapped on a boat with a bucket of pee and yous've got yourself one hella weird movie.
Gymkata (1986)
What's it nearly? When producer Fred Weintraub saw Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas in a Idiot box commercial he KNEW he had to be in a martial arts picture show. Thomas had no martial arts training merely Weintraub invented a new way of fighting based around gymnastics and named it Gymkata! This was then shoehorned into an adaptation of a 1957 pulp novel chosen The Terrible Game , every bit Thomas gets sent to a fictional Himalayan country to compete in a mediaeval-style tournament. If he wins, he can forestall the United states of america being nuked by Russia. When he asks the regime why they're sending him and not the army, they answer "military direct activity isn't our manner… we demand to send in one man"… and that man is a gymnast. What can I say? It was the 80s.
Why is it weird? Despite being of a higher budget than most of the films on this list, Gymkata is 100% batshit from starting time to finish, mashing up James Bail style espionage antics with lunatic martial arts and impressive gymnastic feats. The tournament itself is a great excuse for ninjas to roam randomly in the background and everyone dresses like they're in the Ottoman Empire except Thomas, who wears a series of absurd preppy jumpers.
Of course, the crowning jewel is the 'Hamlet of the Crazies' sequence – the last stage of the game, when Thomas finds himself in the identify where the locals ship their criminally insane. Equally soon every bit he gets there, a human being attacks him and then chops off his own hand with a sickle (to which Thomas exclaims a chirpy "Oh jeez!") and information technology only gets weirder, culminating in an unbelievable ball on a pommel equus caballus (don't ask why in that location'southward a pommel horse in the center of the village square). It'south a surreal scene, combining an eerie gothic aesthetic with ridiculous violence and, if Kurt Thomas is to be believed, the extras playing 'the crazies' were genuine Yugoslav mental patients! Classic stuff.
Drunken Wu Tang (1984)
What's it about? Every bit the third in the Yuen Clan's Miracle Fighters series, Drunken Wu Tang (aka Taoism Drunkard ) stars Yuen Cheung-Yan (who besides directed) equally an old drunkard on a quest to find a virgin built-in on the 15th of August (yeah, these quests are getting pretty weirdly specific by now). In a dual part, he also reprises his elevate graphic symbol of 'Granny', an elderly female magician whose grandson Chiu (Yuen Yat-Chor) turns out to be a virgin born on the 15th of August. There'south a dude in a devil suit calling himself The King of Hell running around beingness evil but, really, trying to unravel whatever more of this mayhem is pretty futile. Just go with it.
Why is it weird? You could have about any scene in this picture and it would answer that question. While magical/fantasy martial arts are commonplace in the genre, here they're taken to ludicrous levels. Information technology has a really low-budget vibe but doesn't skimp on ideas, pitting its heroes and villains confronting an array of colourful enemies, mechanical traps and monstrous freaks. At that place'due south flying nonsense, giant moving fruit, spinning tunnels made of fire, ghosts, demonic possessions, reanimated corpses and a lot of juvenile humour. The highlight withal is the Watermelon Monster, a giant mechanical ball with legs and extending arms who barks in a high pitched voice and takes on all comers. Honestly, every fight this thing appears in is just a joy and (tragically) unique to this film.
Lady Atomic number 26 Monkey (1979)
What'due south it near? Ming (Gam Fung-Ling) is half-woman/half-monkey and has been raised by apes. This puts her at an advantage when information technology comes to doing monkey style kung fu just she doesn't care. All she wants is to be homo and pretty. She heads off into the earth and soon develops a crush on 'Fourth Prince' (Chan Sing), a charismatic royal who is maybe, somehow, falling for her, fur, tail and all…
Why is information technology weird? While the story flows surprisingly well, mixing ugly duckling makeover hijinx, classical romance, intrigue and martial arts to enjoyable issue, there's no doubt that Lady Iron Monkey is a deeply bonkers moving picture. I mean, if shaving an ape and having her nourish fancy dinners isn't enough for y'all, the scene in which she learns how to fight with her tail (!) is perhaps unique among grooming montages. Eventually Ming learns how to levitate with the tail existence used every bit kind of a propeller and it'south a trick that pays off big fourth dimension when she delivers, at the film's climax, probably the weirdest finishing movement I've ever seen in a fight…
American Commando Ninja (1987)
What'southward it nearly? Honestly, your guess is equally good every bit mine. Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai (notorious for their cut and paste ninja films) put this – and its sis movie Born A Ninja – together from shot-on-video footage they took from a very cheap Taiwanese Tv testify. I've no idea how many episodes it ran for but they figured it would work improve in 2 90 infinitesimal chunks, with scenes re-edited in a completely random social club, and re-dubbed with a new ninja-themed storyline. The result is almost 100% incoherent. But here goes. An evil Japanese scientist called Tanaka invented a biological weapon in WWII. It's now the 1980s and some Russians, some Triads, a pair of female martial artists and a couple of 'American' ninjas are all on the trail of information technology.
Why is it weird? American Commando Ninja has the effect of actually making you question your own sanity by the stop. Everyone wears dayglo neon and speaks in riddles. Larry, one of the ninjas, claims to exist a master of 'Hocus Pocus style' kung fu (!), which means he can shoot flames out of his fingers. At that place's a McGuffin chase for something chosen the Golden Horns. One character, Brenda (who wears tiny shorts made from a confederate flag), has been on a lifelong mission to avenge her parents who were murdered in WWII. This is undermined when another grapheme puts information technology to her "If your parents were killed in WWII that would make yous at least twoscore years one-time! Are you lot 40?" She shakes her caput sadly as she realises her life has been a lie. Shame she couldn't have worked that out before really.
The 'stunts' are flat-out weird too – at 1 point, a man is supposedly pushed from a moving car although all we run across is ane homo in shut-upward pushing thin air and the other then rolling himself slowly along the middle of the road for a shot that goes on for waaaay too long.
The dialogue seems to have been run through translation software and no one reading it always stops to wonder whether it makes sense ("I got some news for you! Good news!" says ane. "Goose?" replies the other, mishearing them for no discernible reason). By the time a Taiwanese disco vocal called Tiger Of The Dark starts playing, you'll be on your knees, wondering what alternate dimension you've fallen into.
So there yous go. Enough mindbending martial arts to make you question everything you thought you lot knew, for at least a few hours. Promise you enjoyed the listing and permit me know your own favourite crazy kung fu flicks in the comments beneath!
Read the total Den of Geek NYCC Special Edition Magazine correct here!
This article comes from Den of Geek Uk.
Source: https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/10-of-the-weirdest-kung-fu-movies-ever/
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